Ok, ok, ok….I can’t tell you how many requests I’ve received for a “dating” post lately. 100% disclosure — it’s cuz I’ve not necessarily been on any dates for quite some time. But, there were a couple. Since going at dating the “old fashioned” way (i.e. offline), I’ve eliminated about 88% of the fuck-tards that I was attracting and now have dated a couple of decent dudes…But there are about 12% who have seeped through that defense measure and have provided me with some interesting stories. So, based on all the reqs I’m receiving, I’ll pull one from the vault and share. I’ll even give you a CLE lesson in here as well!
As I mentioned, I’ve been off the online dating scene for quite some time. I think I went through enough douchebags for a lifetime of PTSD therapy; so the little gem of a story I’m about to tell happened about three months ago on a random date, with a random guy I met at the dog park. It was a mundane intro, clearly some attraction, but, for the most part, I was just trying to convince myself that there were decent men out there. Call it a social experiment, a date, loneliness…whatever. We met, we were attracted, we talked, we set a date.
Day of date (all via text, by the way):
Dude: “So whatcha want to do tonight?”
My head: Fuuuuuuuuuuccck (not in the literal sense but in the holy-shit-can-dudes-ever-just-plan-something sense)
Me: “I’m honestly pretty laid back with this so I’m sure whatever you plan will be perfect.” (in my sweet-as-pie texting voice(it’s a thing…go with it))
Dude: “Ok…………….I’ll think of something.”
My head: Please redeem yourself cuz you’re hot AF and I’d really like it if you had imagination and brains.
I’m gonna skip the actual convo and sum up the situation here: Dude shows up, texts me that he’s outside my house (Doesn’t even get out of the car to walk up my steps NOR does he get out of his car to open my car door)…Strike 2. I get into the car and he STILL has no clue where he wants to take me…as in he DIDN’T EVEN TRY — Strike 3. I turn to look at his finely chiseled face, told him it was nice to meet him and I’m sure deep down there’s a nice guy with manners and relationship ambition but I just didn’t think we’d work out…Got out of the car. Took off the dress and heels that I painstakingly opted to wear (forethought is everything)…threw on cutoffs, t-shirt and flip flops and opened a bottle of wine…because, ladies, if a guy who claims to have interest in you shows up with no plans and no redeeming manners, it’s a little window into what an actual relationship with him will be further down the road. Don’t go there. As the meme goes, ‘I’d rather date myself.’
And true to any insecure guy form, dude texted me (yes, he still didn’t pick up the phone) later that night to find out if he could have a second chance…I’m not completely heartless so I agreed (Me and my fucking bleeding heart.)…we went on one actual date where he talked ALL about himself and never asked me any questions…Clearly THIS guy would rather date himself as well.
There is a reason my marriage didn’t last. I was tired of doing all the work. On proclaimed “date nights” the above conversation was almost word-for-word the same…So why on earth would I go into a potential relationship with someone who had those same tendencies? The answer is I won’t. I refuse to go back into any relationship where there isn’t a 100/100 effort. 50/50 doesn’t cut it because that leaves room for a lot of fuck ups if someone isn’t pulling their 50. I’m not saying the scale will always be even…some will give 120 while the other 80 at times…but the point is, effort speaks volumes when it comes to love….or, in this case, interest.
Secondly, dudes AND gals, if I’ve said it once I’ve said it one too many times…ASK YOUR DATE QUESTIONS!!! This is not the “Me Show” (‘me’ being the proverbial ‘you’)…If you’re on a date, clearly there was a reason you wanted to spend time with that person…if you’re constantly telling stories about yourself without ever showing interest in her (or him), then you’re defeating the purpose of dating and at the same time essentially telling your date that you couldn’t care less about who she (or he) is as a person….and even worse, wasting their mother-ever-loving time.
I hate that I have to rehash this over and over…I hate that even in the 12% of the eliminated douchebags there are those who aren’t necessarily douchey but more just clueless…bless their hearts. But here I am, still standing and fighting the good fight in the quest for love…No one ever said searching for it was like trying to survive D-Day, tho…fuck….
So here are some quick and dirty pieces of advice for all men out there who are even contemplating dating an independent woman:
- Don’t waste her time. If you like her, tell her and show it — if she likes you back, she’ll reciprocate. If you don’t like her, be fucking honest. You won’t wind up in her blog if you are. 🙂
- We strong women are really comfortable with asking for what we want — so expect directness. If you’re intimidated by that, that’s your problem. We’re not changing for you and we’re sure as hell not going to sugar coat shit for you. We expect the same in return.
- We don’t need to be taken care of…we got this. HOWEVER, we would love for you to put the effort in to take care of us. We just want you to know it’s not a necessity, it’s a desire for us.
- We love being with you….but not all the time. If we want our alone time, don’t get butt-hurt or start doubting our desire for you. We got here alone, so sometimes we need a bit of reflection on that.
- We have some fight in us. We won’t just roll over — however, we have the wherewithal to understand the logic in a situation and that will lead first…but we are chicks so our hearts do get a bit involved.
- We’re busy. If you like us, make plans with us…it’s not often we have random days without something planned. If we like you, we’ll rearrange our schedule for you.
- On the above note, make plans in general. We’re planning shit all day erryday so we REALLY appreciate when you put thought into being with us.
- We have some walls built up…Don’t try to chisel away at them. If we like you, they’ll come down for you in time. Just be patient and love us.
- We are afraid of being hurt (hence the walls) — but once we feel we can trust you, you have us in our entirety.