July 26, 2019 – the day my life took a major turn. It’s the day I realized (not by my own volition) that the man I was thinking would be my forever suddenly decided that (again) I’m not…2.5 years of life, with age creeping up, gone in a conversation that lasted less than 10 minutes. Had I been in my early thirties, the repercussions of this would have been less catastrophic. Hurtful, yes. Excruciating, for sure. But life altering — possibly not. Because, you see, I turned 40 in May. And at 40, I had a completely different expectation of my life.
When I was a kid I had my life planned out – then I hit 18 and I realized that all my adolescent goals changed – Not that I couldn’t accomplish them, but, as with all things in time, they morphed into more complex and time consuming ones – I went from wanting to be a marine biologist swimming with sharks to wanting to be a journalist. So I changed schools to pursue that path. Then, two years into journalism school, my life goals changed…again…for a multitude of reasons…and I wanted to be a writer…researching topics that would be useful to young women as they navigate life — I.e. understanding all the shit they didn’t teach you in school (or at least didn’t when I was a kid) — credit card management…locking in utility rates…empowering yourself to be able to change a tire, jump a vehicle, how boys really ARE only thinking about one thing at that age….serious life shit that I had to learn the good ol’ fashioned way. And if I could empower ONE girl to get her shit together before she had to go into the “real world” then I think I would have considered myself successful…well, as you know, I didn’t write that book… yet.
Hit 30 and I found myself married — again, life goals changed…now I wanted to ensure I had an elevated career so that we could prepare for a family eventually. I got my master’s degree…Hit 35…no kids. Became super pissed off at my husband for a myriad of things, so we divorced. Life goals changed again…I was more than ever determined to find a nice, loving relationship so that I could eventually settle down and have kids and have a great career and a fantastic partner and live happily ever after…Hit 38…decided that I may have to acquiesce to not physically having my own kids but met a seemingly really nice guy who seemingly adored me and wanted to be with me and we continued a relationship until two months after my 40th…so here I am…another crossroads where life has me reevaluating literally everything.
I can definitely count my blessings…my life has, on the whole, been an extraordinary one. I have the absolute most amazing friends and family. I’m financially secure. I have two great pups. A great career. Best work family I could ask for. I get to travel … a lot!
But the mother-fucking universe seems to be pushing me to completely re-evalute my life….yet again. And I want to know – DOES THIS SHIT EVER STOP? I mean, I thought all my goals prior to the ones I’m having to redefine now weren’t crazy or unattainable — so I have a never ending conversation with myself about trying to understand all these shifts and how I can now GENUINELY embrace whatever new goals I’m going to have to make for myself without being dismayed when and if they don’t come to fruition.
Aging is a vicious vicious time suck. Yea, yea, yea….I hear all you women out there saying that aging is great – you have more wisdom, you don’t have to experience the teens and twenties BS, life just keeps getting better….blah….blah…blah…All of you who tell me that currently have children and most likely a husband/partner to walk with you on your life journey…so, pardon my French, that advice to a single, 40-year-old, childless woman just doesn’t fit into my wheelhouse. I have a different life than you…I know we all have our stories, but this is mine…
I’m not at all disappointed with my life – as mentioned before, I’m pretty fucking blessed…so at what point do I come to acceptance that that is just going to have to be enough? The one common theme throughout ALL my Ferris wheel of goals was wanting a partner…POSSIBLY kids (either via proxy because my fake partner has them, or, at this point, adoption)…oh and don’t forget about writing that damn book… (I WILL get to that).
Dating this time around is an even bigger shit show than when I was in my 30s. This time around I have ZERO patience for games.
Yes, I’m back onto online dating…and it is literally the 10th circle of hell — I’m going to write an addendum to Dante’s Inferno about online dating…I’m on Bumble, Eharmony, match.com…and the quality of men that are popping up aren’t really my cup of tea. First, I MUST be attracted to them because looks is all I have to go off on these things – secondly they have to have a complete profile so I can get some idea of compatibility, and third, if contact is mutually made, they can’t be ghosting douchebags — if you connect with someone on these things – keep the mother fucking conversation going…for the love of everything, ask questions! If you match with someone, that at least shows some sort of interest…thus, as an adult, I would expect some sort of banter — IT’S CALLED GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE. Random conversations are so rampant on these apps that I’m THIS close to giving up on humanity all together.
Caveat — there are a very small cluster (can’t say handful cuz the cluster can fit into a baby’s fist) of men who actually do engage…but Jesus ever mother fucking christ….making ‘text’ conversation is like pulling teeth for the majority of these dudes (I suspect it may be the same on the other end of the app, but I’ waiting for that insight). I’m 40 fucking years old — as mentioned – I have ZERO patience and time for games…grow a pair, summon the manners your mamma taught you, and make polite and engaging conversation so we can both know whether or not this shit can go to the next level (and by next level I mean a face-to-face meeting).
Anyway – I think the summation of all that stuff above is this:
- Life is ever evolving – Goals change with life – I’m doing my best to just adapt and redefine
- Everyone has a different experience with life – so be careful when advising someone that “things get better” because the only thing you have to go on is your own experience – congrats on your life partner and beautiful kids 🙂
- Dating in your 40s is the worst. HOWEVER – my selection process is more honed so I do actually delete/unmatch the DBs – and I give them the courtesy of knowing that I’m out — despite their lack of manners to do the same to me.
That’s all for now – proceed with your day/eve. I’m just gonna drink this bottle of wine.