First of all, I need to make a caveat statement:  When I write about my ‘dating’ life, it’s really not ALL that is going on…dating is NOT my life.  Additionally, I am not sad and lonely.  I’m perfectly fine with my own company and I’m not desperate to find a man.  I just happen to experience some really interesting situations that I like to make light of.  It’s truly a blip in my life that I expand on because it’s fucking hilarious.

So if you’re reading my blogs thinking that dating is all I do and that I date a bunch of fuck-tards then understand this:  you’re only reading about 2% of my story…I just happen to like to make fun of people so it seems like a lot.

I am, for the most part, done with online dating apps…I hang on to one so I can scroll through at stop lights and other monotonous boring moments.  I may swipe right on one or two, but for the most part, I just look for good blog posts.  So this dude and I “matched.”  I made the first intro and we quickly lit up a convo via the messaging platform on Bumble.  Seemed like a pretty legit dude…we had a lot in common (working out, lifestyle, etc) so we moved the dialogue to our own mobile devices.  And then things got weird.

(Another caveat): As some of you who follow my blog remember, I have stated that I am no longer interested in the hook-up culture…I am actually ready and open to having a meaningful and long-term relationship if the opportunity presents itself… And on my dating bio it specifically states to”swipe left if you’re only here to hook up,” (which, in dating app terms means “buh-bye”).  So here we go.

(prelim random texts go here…then…)
Dude: “You are an incredibly attractive woman.”
Me: “Thank you.  You’re not bad yourself.  So what are your plans for the weekend?”
Dude: “I wanted to give you a pre-birthday gift or dance.  I would try to do my best Magic Mike impersonation”
My brain: 
Me: “Well, that would definitely be some present………”
(long pause to show the dude I’m not biting on his sexual innuendos…he then texts:)
Dude: “So what part of town do you live on?
Me: “XXXX”
Dude: “So I need to bring my speedo to XXXX lol”
My brain: 
(long pause to show the dude I’m not biting on his sexual innuendos…again…he then texts me about his job and asks me about mine….at this point I’m thinking maybe he has hope and I’m just taking his texts the wrong way…I mean, I have a sick sense of humor…I don’t know the guy…he’s prob just being a bit sarcastic…the rest of the day the texts are tame…Then the NEXT day:)
Dude: “So you ever been married?  Have any kids?”
Me: “I was married for about 7 years, but no kids…I want them some day.”
Dude: “Kid making is always fun…”
My brain: 
Me: “Ok.  I see you’re fishing for me to engage in a bit of sexual flirting…Unfortunately for you you have gotten me after I have gone through my share of sexual relationships.  Is that all you’re wanting or do you want to try to have something meaningful with someone one day (not saying it’s me but just in general)?  Because I’m looking for the latter.  As hot as you may be, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here.”
(Dude is silent for about 30 mins…and THEN:)
Dude:  “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind sitting on my face.”

I’m out.

Why am I still so surprised?

**I do have to point out that I significantly abbreviated all the convos for sake of entertainment…but these were line-for-line quotes.