Scene One:  Houston, TX
Source:  Bumble
Scenario: Planned meet up for drinks
Participants:  Me and “Joe”
Results:  Stage 5 Clinger and more than likely bipolar…Or just a regular ol’ douchebag…you be the judge

So when I’m on these ridiculous dating sites/apps, I like to vet people for witty banter and their ability to take shit and give it right back…Essentially I waterboard them with sarcasm…if they survive, then they’ve made the cut for a face-to-face meeting.  If they show no sign of humor, they drown in my judgement.

So, “Joe” passes the waterboard test and we make a date to meet up for drinks…I show up a bit early (cuz my philosophy is if you’re not 5-10 mins early, you’re late) and saddle up to the bar and order a drink…Relieve some of the pre-date anxiety (yes, I have it.  I have it because 6 times out of 10 the guy looks NOTHING like his picture and I’m anywhere from mildly to severely disappointed).  And, as soon as “Joe” walks in, true to Bumble fashion, he wound up being in the “pictorially deceiving” category.  But he wasn’t completely unfortunate looking and my attitude is always pretty upbeat because I at least vetted them for having a great personality so the evening can’t be ruined too bad…

Fast forward…drinks …good conversation….a few awkward moments where I felt he just wasn’t going to be “the one”…and then I call it an early night.  No sense in me prolonging the moment.

We say our goodbyes; quick hug for good measure and go our separate ways.  No mention of a future date, which, to me, meant he wasn’t feeling it either.  Fair enough.

Next day text exchange:
Joe:  “Morning!  I had a great time last night and it was great to have met you.  Are you free next week?”
Me:  “Morning.  I did too, however I’m going to be truly honest:  I just didn’t feel like we had any chemistry.  I think you’re great, but I don’t want to waste yours or my time pursuing something I don’t think will work.  I hope you understand.”

I don’t get anything back…fair enough…rejection is tough and I can appreciate people that I don’t know well to just disappear from the scene…I get it…except…he didn’t.

Two days after last text exchange:
Joe: “Hey.  Sorry for not texting a response.  I went on a date and it turned out to be a two day date. lol.”
My brain:  ooookaaaayyy….odd, but thx for the update?
Me: “Cool.  No worries.  Glad you found someone you like. Take care.”
Joe: “do you still not want to try another date?”
My brain: Uh, no and what happened to miss two-day-fuck-date?  And where did this “still” word come from?  Last I checked, there was no ambiguity to my rejection.
Me: “Thanks, Joe, but I haven’t changed my mind.  It sounds like you should pursue this other chick.”
Joe: “you know, you don’t have to be a bitch about dating.  their are plenty of great guys out their who know how to treat a lady and won’t hurt you.”
My brain: *there  and me be a bitch?  I just did you a favor, dude…when did honesty become equivalent with bitchiness?  Oh, and thx for the 411 on dating, Dr. Phil.  I’m not even going to acknowledge this text. …but he continues…
Joe: “seriously.  i’ve never been dumped after the first date.  you should really address your issues with men.  you come off as a nice person but your really acting like your better than me.”
My brain: *you’re and WTF?  How did this dude go from a seemingly funny, normal guy to being a total dick-wad?  And I have issues???  I met you ONCE and you think you know me?  Worse yet, you think you’re entitled to judge and jury me?  Let’s not even get into what a narcissistic asswipe you are for feeling the need to tell me about your two-day bedroom excursion then immediately asking me out on another date AFTER I told you I wasn’t interested.  It’s becoming increasingly clear to me why you’ve been single for more than 5 years…
Joe: “I mean, I really enjoyed our date — maybe if you gave me one more I can change your mind.”
My brain: This dude just called me a bitch, told me I had issues, misuses possessive adjectives, pronouns and conjunctions, tried to psychoanalyze me AND asked me out twice after I rejected him…..and has the gall to tell me he can change my mind?  Wow.  I’m normally not speechless, but the blatant stupidity is simply amazing.

Part of me at this point wants to light into him…the rational part of me knows that if I engage, then I’m just fueling a fire…so, BLOCKED and reported on Bumble as a “psycho, 39 year old male with small penis issues (because that can be the ONLY logical explanation for this jackass).”

Scene two:  Austin, TX
Source:  Bumble
Scenario: Impromptu coffee date
Participants:  Me and “Bob”
Results:  Nice guy, not even close to being my personality type

Yea, so I am from ATX…it’s my home town and I have all my fam and childhood friends there.  I love the visit.  Sometimes.  This time around I was there for a conference.  I got there a little early so I could have some fam time and mess with my niece and nephew’s heads, feed ’em candy, spin ’em around until they puke then hand ’em back off to their parents.  I’m the coolest aunt that way.

So to kill some time at a stop light I opened the Bumble app and swiped right on two or so guys…then continued driving….Hey, I was curious.

I got a match right away…”Bob” and I start a convo…it was nice and jovial.  Nothing too crazy…I mentioned that I was working from a restaurant that morning (wifi)…he said he was right around the corner and would love to swing by for a cup of coffee just to meet really quick…It’s not my normal MO, but I thought, hey, why the hell not?  People used to have actual conversations for dates and in meeting people…I’ll give that route a shot.

He shows up.  He’s super cute but 10 mins into the conversation he said something that threw up some red flags…after that it was just mundane convo (see, here is where I would normally make fun of the info he offered up that was super strange…but when you’re a nice person, you sometimes get a reprieve from my wrath…and this is one of those times).  The whole interaction lasted about 30 mins because he was busy as was I…so he headed off and I continued with work.

He texts later to see if we can grab a drink…I text back that I just didn’t feel like our personalities matched and I was happy to have met him, but didn’t want to pursue a date…He texted back “Thank you for communicating that with me.  Take care.”

AND THAT dude, ladies and gentlemen, was 27 years old…his mamma raised him at least halfway right…red-flag comment excluded.



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