THIS IS WHY YOU’RE SUCKING AT LIFE: CLE SERIES ON HOW TO ADULT

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I think I’m going to start this lesson with the number one, overarching rule on adulting:  Don’t be an asshole. As we go through these lessons, just know that in the end, it all boils down to your inability to nicely live and function in society with actual human beings.  So if you’re failing miserably at this adult thing, it’s probably because you’re an asshole.

However, there are actions that assholes take that MAKE them said fuck-twats.  And below is a list of preventative measures to take so that you may secure your status as an adult.  Let’s jump in, shall we?

  1. Don’t play Pokémon Go, or any other virtual games that keep your eyes glued to your cell phone and off pedestrians, cars, cliffs and muggers.   One cannot properly ‘life’ whilst hunched over the screen of your smartphone looking for imaginary characters popping up in the real world…(a) you sound crazy; (b) you look like a fucking idiot and (c) you’re endangering not only your life (at this point maybe Darwin SHOULD step in) but the lives of all the real-world people surrounding you.  So, if you want to succeed at this adulting thing, stop the ever-loving madness of trying to catch fake creatures.   If a car hits you while you’re chasing down a magical creature, you probably deserve it, but that driver didn’t…and most likely your mom and/or dad still love you so don’t make them cry either.  Just say no to the Pikachu.
  2. Stop saying words like “ax” or “pacifically” or “supposebly” or “irregardless.”  In case you weren’t properly schooled, let me help you out.
    • It’s “Ask,” as in let me ASK you to correct your grammar;
    • It’s “Specifically” – it’s a conjunctive adverb…not an oceanic adjective;
    • It’s “Supposedly” – there is no ‘b’ in this word.  Ever.  Never was.  Take it out.  NOW.
    • And it’s”regardless” – IRRegardless is not a word.  If you say this made-up word, I think there is universal unspoken permission to get throat punched by people, such as myself, who feel it to be the equivalent of nails running down a chalkboard.
  3. Don’t get all ass-hurt in public.  If you can’t logically process your emotions and act in a calm, rational manner in public (I don’t give a fuck what you do at home, just don’t take that shit to the streets), then maybe you should pick up yoga or visit a Buddhist temple and get some Zen in you.  When you act like a douchebag in public you automatically lose your adult-card.  Reign that shit in, be aware of little children and old people around you, then go home and unleash strings of profanity until you feel better about yourself.  Because I guarantee you are not going to teach anyone any lessons by throwing tantrums like a two-year-old.  No one listens to you and they definitely don’t respect you enough to “let it all soak in.”  So, accept the fact that there are millions of asshats out there and it’s not your job nor is it within your capability of teaching them a lesson.  They don’t care about you.  So stop wasting precious adult energy and go have a frosty beverage.
  4. Be honest.  Yes.  People’s feelings may get hurt…but it’s not your problem to assuage that.   In the end, if you’re honest, and that’s all you have, then you may actually have a shot at this adulting thing.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “THIS IS WHY YOU’RE SUCKING AT LIFE: CLE SERIES ON HOW TO ADULT

  1. This is a great start to solving a lot of problems in our world. It’s apparently entirely too much to ask people to be responsible for themselves. In regards specifically (eh?) to Pokemon: I was appalled that places such as Auschwitz, the 911 Memorial, and the Holocaust Museum had to tell people not to play there. What does that say about people? It doesn’t paint them in a good light for certain.

    My boss says “irregardless”… I can’t say I wanted to throat punch him for it, but it is indeed like nails on a chalkboard: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBLIYbNxsNs

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  2. OMG I love you! LOL
    I saw a meme yesterday that had the caption, “If you’re looking for a pokemon, you’re never going to find her clit”
    And I go ape shit crazy when people say “ax” and “pacifically” and even “pasghetti”.

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  3. For fear of getting hurt…! Irregardless (not without regard) is actually a real word (albeit “nonstandard”). It’s just used incorrectly most of the time because it’s used interchangeably with “regardless” (without regard) despite the fact they should be opposites.

    The thing I hate about it is when people think both versions have a g in them – regargless. I also know someone who uses “retrospectfully” and that bothers me a lot!

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