Clearly my blog posts have been a bit more subdued lately…more emotional…more…icky. I’m not proud of it…I mean, I perpetuate this blog to be a “strong woman” blog…pick yourself up from your bootstraps and carry on blog…a “fuck those who fuck you over” blog….I’m not changing that…but I am about to tell you a sad story. It’s a temporary story…because that’s all it can be…or else it will become the fucking “Notebook” saga and nobody wants that shit in real life. What I’m about to tell you is a damn shame…it’s a shame because it’s the perfect example of how timing is abso-fucking-lutely everything.
One day, there was this dude. He was awesome. And he broke through this bad-ass bitch’s layers. And it felt amazing. And it was promising. And it was potentially everything. Then real life reared it’s ugly head and made it blazingly apparent that life is clearly NOT the “Notebook” and that love stories are ugly, and sad and sometimes end faster than they began and for no good reason.
When one person is fully present, and the other is not…the “fully present” one is 100% going to be the one whose heart gets a beating…And, contrary to what I MAY like in my sex life (TMI???? JK…..Maybe :-0), I’m not into getting pummeled in any shape or form. I sure as hell am not one to stay where I’m not wanted…Or at least half wanted…or even ambiguously wanted. I rarely give my heart to anyone so easily as it is, but when I do, I need reciprocation. And if that is not there, as hard as it is, I need to bow out for self-preservation. Staying in the limbo only makes the inevitable “goodbye” that much harder…sometimes we need to make decisions not because it hurts in the present, but because you want to stop the hurt in the future. I think that’s called ‘adulting.’
The shit of it all is the knowing. The absolute knowledge that it could have been a masterpiece. And that’s not dramatizing it. It’s a fact. I know I claim to know a lot…but there are very few things I trust about my emotions…For the most part they’re the most sordid, irrational bits of me. But every once in a while, I see light in them…sucks when you find out you were trusting an illusion.
So it’s partially ego. It’s partially emotions. But it’s mostly a sad story about potential never realized…and the total acceptance of that reality.
Tonight I said goodbye to all that. Because, though I don’t feel it right now, I have to be strong and staunch in my knowledge of my worth. And if there is any lesson I can pass on to anyone struggling with ambiguity in a potential or realized relationship, it’s this: Saying goodbye is not a cowardly act. In fact, sometimes saying goodbye is the absolute strongest thing you can do … even when it feels like you’re momentarily dying inside. Sometimes you have to say goodbye in order to open yourself up for potential ‘hellos’ (cue featured image). Happiness is not given…it’s a choice.
And that, ladies and gents, is Regan in the raw…(and completely sober). Here’s me…. pulling up the bootstraps….