HOW TO LIFE: CLE SERIES ON DRIVING

1347946245292_1824359I admit…I’m a fast driver.  If the speed limit is 65, I’m most likely going 75 (ish…maybe 80..ish….fuck it I’m booking it at 85+).  That said, I am not the ONLY fast driver in the world.

MjAxMy04OTU1NzFhOGRkM2RkYTBkI’m going to go ahead and make a number up since I cannot find any stats on how many people in the U.S. exceed the speed limit religiously (like myself).  If I were to base my flawed logic simply on the observation of the 4 million or so drivers in the Houston area, I would say that about 40% of them speed…Continuing on with that flawed logic, I would venture to guess that approximately 40% of drivers go at or possibly 2-5 mph above the speed limit (technically, in my book, that’s not speeding…that’s just being normal).  That leaves 20% of the douchebags on the road crawling at a snail’s pace…about 90% of those a-holes ride the left lane…So we have two categories of people I’d like to address for this lesson:

  1. What we’ll call “Normal” drivers (people who go at or max 2-5mph above speed limit)
  2. Slow AF Drivers (or as I like to refer to them, ‘people who should just put themselves out of my misery)

We’ll start with the Slow AF Drivers. You know who you are…you’ve been honked at, ass-ridden, verbally abused, seen other peoples’ middle finger more often than your own digits, veered off to the side of the road by ragers and most likely gotten into one too many accidents.  Why you ask?  Because you have two things going against you when you drive slow AF in the left lane.  1.  It’s illegal.  2.  You’re a self-absorbed, self-righteous douchebag whom everyone hates because you have no courtesy and/or awareness of where the fuck you are on the road.  Please do not whine and complain or get angry at people who ride your ass in the left.  Don’t get all scared and slow down further…worse yet, don’t get on your high horse and slow down to “teach us a lesson.”  Because the rage you started to witness only gets worse the more of a douche you become.  Now, there are many fast drivers who will quickly express their irritation at your careless driving, get up on your tail, flash some lights and/or honk…but will ultimately decide you are not worth teaching a lesson so will angrily veer to the right, pass you, then cut you off and continue at their desired speed.  Let me tell you, you WANT those types of drivers around you.  Because the wrath you will experience with people who can’t let shit go is exponentially worse.  Those people are the ones who will try to get you into an “accident” or will road rage you for miles until you’re forced to seek sanctuary at your nearest Buc-ee’s.  You can avoid ALL of this by adopting these two behaviors…

  1. Go the speed limit…we’re not asking you to speed…we’re asking you to save yourselves from murder.
  2. Get out of the mother-loving left lane.  Period.  At all times.  If you KNOW you are a slow driver, and cannot physically bring yourself to cruise at the speed limit, you should NEVER…never, ever, ever, ever enter the left lane.  That is not your home.

All you Normal drivers…I get it and I respect  your ability to control your speed and be cognizant of the law…I’m not saying that my speeding is RIGHT…but it’s my choice.  And I understand that it’s your choice to be within the legal confines of the speed limit.  HOWEVER, the left lane is not your home either.  You’re more of a middle-lane driver.  Or, if there are only two lanes – I’m cool with you riding the left to avoid the Slow AF Drivers but you need to be conscious of your surroundings.  Pay attention to the speedsters coming up on you in the left lane. Don’t be a passive aggressive a-hole.  Get your non-speeding ass over and let us pass.  The main thing is to be aware of your situation on this earth…You are not the only one on the road.  Don’t think you’re better than us because you’re following the law…when in fact, you’re not.  Left lane is for passing…legally.

Bottom line message to all you Slow AF Drivers and Normal Drivers — Don’t judge us because we’re breaking the law by speeding…You’re just as guilty of it as well because you’re either going too slow (illegal) or using the left lane to cruise in (also illegal….it’s for passing).  Just because we are breaking the law in a different manner than you doesn’t mean you can be passive aggressive douchebags about it.  You are not better than us.  Make sure you readjust your ego before getting into the car – Start a mantra if you fall into one of these two categories.  Your mantra should be, “the left lane is not my home.  the left lane is not my home….” then just concede that you are a self-righteous asshole…First step is admitting you are the problem.  Get the fuck over.

 

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