Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a pretty active on Facebook/Instagram.  I like to post pics of my holidays or of my pups…People like them so I assume I’m not ‘oversharing.’  I never put anything personal on FB.  Yeah, I bitch about dating sometimes, but for the most part, I’m just there to post funny shit.  What people read on my FB site is about 2% of my actual life.

And I try to consider my audience – For instance, I’ve learned that short, funny status updates makes people smile/laugh.  Long funny ones don’t get read much.  Making a status update any longer than, say, a paragraph (which is still pretty long) has been proven, in my case, to get looked over…What I’m trying to get at is I have some awesome friends who occasionally make me feel loved by reading/looking at my stuff.

But there are people out there who are completely clueless on how to properly use FB.  And this CLE series addresses THOSE people.  So, if you are a Social Media user who does any of the following, this post is for you:

  1. Post long-winded statuses…especially if they’re about how sad you are (*there are some exceptions to that – i.e. if you’re keeping your world updated with a medical battle…those posts are important to a community and most likely to the FB user…more on that later) or if you’re posting about the stupidest, mundane shit
  2. Over-share yourself – i.e. posting uninsightful updates every 5 mins
  3. Post chain status updates
  4. Post personal updates that most likely require a phone call to the important people in your real life before blasting it to cyberspace.
  5. Still using the improper versions of your, you’re, they’re, their, there, its and it’s (this is not so much etiquette as it is just fucking common grammatical sense).

Posting Long-Winded Status Updates

We do NOT need to know every aspect of your day…If there is nothing funny or super interesting that happened to you that day, then don’t be fooled into thinking you NEED to post something.  I know I personally don’t care about what you had for breakfast, lunch or dinner.  Nor do I or the rest of the world care about every mundane aspect.  I mean, congrats that you planted seeds, cleaned the pool, made lunch, picked up the kids, made dinner then fell asleep early…you essentially just lifed.  Nothing earth shattering there.  If we wanted to know every aspect of your day we’d call you.  And the reason your phone ain’t ringing is probably because hearing about it is just as boring as reading about it.  Know your audience.  Additionally, we do NOT need to hear about all the sadness in your life.  FB is not a self-help forum.  Save that shit for your personal diary or therapist.

Now, I will caveat that statement with anyone posting updates about a medical battle.  Contrary to what I just wrote up there in the first paragraph, FB users DO want to show support and sympathy to our friends who are experiencing a difficult life situation (medically speaking.  Again, I couldn’t care less if your car doesn’t start).  And the communal support the individual receives could possibly be a form of therapy or hope, so those peeps get a pass on this rule.


Do you have a life?  Do you know how to use Facebook?  Cuz if I see a post from you at 11:10am, proceeded by another post at 11:13, then another at 11:20…I’m gonna unfollow your ass.  I think it’s safe to say that I am speaking for a great many social media users.  Pick your moment, then leave.  I know I’m guilty of multiples posts in a day, but I’m super cognizant to space that shit apart…Don’t spam our feeds with your monotonous updates on how your kid took his first step…then his second…then his third…we know the mechanics of walking.  No one is interested in a blow-by-blow of your mundane activities.

Posting Chain Status Updates

I’m just going to give it to you straight:  Mark Zuckerberg will NOT be sharing his millions with you, FB will NOT be charging you for membership, all the shit on your page will not be used by FB for commercial use, and you’re not really being invited to attend Dr. Alistair’s Third Annual Free Vasectomy Picnic….SO, cut that shit out.  People who “re-post” those need a reality check.  In the face.  With a keyboard.

Remember before social media when you received chain emails where an African family would receive $.20 for every person you forwarded the letter to?  Yea, well, that African family never saw a cent because (a) they didn’t exist and (b) you’re an idiot.  Same deal on FB.  Just stop.

Posting Super Personal News that Should Have Required a Phone Call

Nothing worse than finding out grandma died from your mom’s FB status update (it’s a hypothetical, mom…calm down.).  Some things really and truly are still sacred.  If you need to inform friends and family about something important, don’t declare it on FB.  Use common courtesy  and tact when breaking bad news.  You’re in cyberspace but remember there are actual REAL people behind the networking….

AND MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE:  Use correct contractions, possessives, adverbs, pronouns…basically just refresh your grammar skillz

Ok.  If you learn nothing in this post save this, I will be a happy gal (as will your English teacher, your boss and the world):

You’re is a contraction of you are. It has no other uses. This is a 100% rule. If you cannot expand it to you are in your sentence, then it is wrong (e.g. you’re an idiot because you cannot get this right).   The word your sits before another word (usually a noun or a pronoun) to show that it belongs to “you” (e.g.,  your grammar is atrocious).  Your is a possessive adjective. (Other possessive adjectives are my, your, his,her, its, our, and their.)

Speaking of ‘their’, there are three of them.  I know, I know…your brain can’t handle much more, but bear with me. The word there has multiple functions. It is a noun, an adverb, a pronoun or an adjective (e.g., Your brain is over there).   Their is almost always followed by a noun.  It is a plural possessive adjective (e.g., Their students were idiots).  They’re is a contraction of ‘they are.’  If you can’t replace they’re with ‘they are’ in a sentence, you’re using it incorrectly (e.g., They’re idiots)….I’m not going to make you deconstruct a sentence but you should definitely memorize this shit.

Lastly (for now) use its and it’s correctly.  The word its means ‘belonging to it.’ (e.g., Its use of grammar is horrible).  It is (or It’s) a possessive pronoun like his.  The word it’s is always short for ‘it is’ (as in it’s raining).  Its’ (notice apostrophe after the ‘s’) is never used.  EVER.  So cut that shit out.

BONUS:  Use then and than properly….then is an adverb used to situate actions in time (e.g., Read my blog then you’ll be able to use your grammar properly).  Than is a conjunction used to make comparisons (e.g., My grammar is better than yours).  DO NOT confuse the two.  If I see one more “then” in place of “than” I’m going to commit murder…all over your FB page…and you’ll hate me, but I’m willing to sacrifice our friendship in order to educate you.

Ok.  I think I gave you enough to mull over today.  Just remember not to be a social media twat…oh, and learn your grammar.



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