First and foremost, yes, that is my quote…make that shit viral. And, yes, that is me…I have the uncanny ability to stage shots with my iPhone and Apple Watch…Secondly, it’s a very good segway quote into 2017 for me…I’m currently sitting on a beach in Roatan, Honduras, glass of wine by my side, watching the local kiddos start a bonfire with extremely wet driftwood…So until that shit starts, I have a moment to start said ‘manifesto’ for the upcoming New Year…which means I’ll be here a while. So, sit back, join me with a beverage and get ready for some funny shit, some sad shit, some real shit, and, ultimately, some futuristic shit. Cuz 2016 is dying the slowest, most painful death and I’m SO ready to put it out of its misery.
Let me start with why this blog was started a while back anyhow — I was dating…A LOT…mostly online or app dating…and that shit truly was hilarious. Can’t say it was a waste of time because I got some interesting stories out of it. If you’re newly single and have a great sense of humor, I highly suggest you hit up some of them. I’ve been off them a while so I’m sure a new one has popped up that gets you laid 2.3 secs sooner than Tinder, Bumble or Hinge ever did. But do it. Do it safely. Get out there and meet, date, fuck, ‘hang,’ or fall into infatuation with as many non-quality dudes out there as your little heart desires….fair warning, though — that shit gets old REAL QUICK. It won’t be long before you’re ready to launch into the next phase of post-relationship/marriage activities: relationship purgatory. After a decent amount of time going on date after date with those horrific apps, you’ll start to crave nights curling up on the couch with no dudes blowing your phone up to ‘hang:’ you’d rather spend an evening with Netflix, a bottle of wine and your own personal enjoyment tool (and if you don’t have one (1) what? and (2) you’re gonna need one for this phase so get to steppin’). The post date-every-douchebag-you-encounter phase is the best and worst time of your life. You start to realize that you’d rather stop wasting your time with what you know to be dead-end dating excursions and start to re-evaluate the way you’ve been meeting potential love interests to a molecular level. On one hand, you start taking back your personal value by completely rearranging the formula of your royally screwed up mate selection process, and you start eliminating MOST of the douche-bags you’ve historically been dating. This means less drama, but, on the other hand, it also means more nights alone (because let’s face it, 9 out of 10 dudes with those six-pack abs, perfect hair (or bald head), and huge…feet are pretty much abysmally hopeless as potential boyfriends. Time to move on from them — and may I say, this is also a sad revelation — because who doesn’t want the perfect package? Move on, lady. They don’t exist). Relationship purgatory is the absolute loneliest time of your life. You’ll date a couple of really great guys — but timing will be off, or you won’t feel it, or they won’t feel it, or timing will be off (I’m not bitter about the fucking universe’s time, am I?). But at the same time, it gives you what you need: reflection on what truly matters to you in both life and love.
So, as you’ve probably gathered, I’m in the relationship purgatory phase…2016 was the suckiest year of my life…both professionally and romantically. Aside from all the other personal shit that went down, I for some reason decided that I’m actually ready for a relationship. I am tired of the monotony of meaningless dates and dudes who SEEM interested but just want to “hang.” I’m tired of the semi-interested dudes who have no clue what they want or how they feel so they put little to no effort into being with me BUT they still want me around. I’m tired of dudes saying they ‘really like me’ but don’t follow up with actions. I want love. I want a family. I want to feel wanted. Funny thing about that decision – clearly the universe felt otherwise. And being the type A person that I am, the fact that the universe is NOT on my schedule is pissing me off.
So, here I am — on a beach in Honduras, writing my last blog of the year…thinking about a gazillion different scenarios. Back to that situation where you molecularly re-evaluate the dudes you date — yeah, I’m going over that with a lice comb. And I’m coming up with some pretty underwhelming revelations. I say ‘underwhelming’ because, if you look back at my blog, I have given some kick-ass advice to singles…and because of my melancholy year, I seem to have strayed from my own principles. I have been overly accepting of certain behaviors by guys. And I’m done. I’m not one to typically romanticize a New Year, but I’m taking this opportunity as a pivotal moment in my life, both romantically and just in general. Stay with me here, because there will be a big reveal at the end of this blog 🙂
So, after the bullshit you just read above, here is my ‘manifesto’ of sorts for 2017:
- I’m done with people who half-ass a relationship with me. I divorced because of this — so if a dude doesn’t pursue me in the most genuine and thoughtful way possible, I’m out. I don’t have the actual time on this earth to entertain a one-foot-in mentality. The dude either jumps with me, or will have to stay planted where he’s at. I’m not going to try to convince or shove anyone over the edge — unless you’re stupid as fuck and there’s an actual ledge….then I may ‘accidentally’ give you a ‘tap’ on the back. Hey, I’m just trying to give a leg up for 2017…one stupid person at a time.
- I already claimed this but feel it needs to go on the list: I’m DONE with any version of online dating. Though I haven’t been online or on apps for quite some time, I have, as of recent, entertained the idea of giving it another shot — but those were desperate moments so I feel the need to put it out there. D.O.N.E. I know of very few people where online/app dating actually worked. I don’t care what that old dude with glasses on tv pretending to be a doctor says — I feel as if online dating would be the last resort for me — or something I do when I’m in my 60’s and decide I’ve had enough ‘alone time’ and need to settle. I travel a lot. I meet a fuck ton of people. I’m not opposed to long-distance relationships if one should occur. I have a few years left in me to stay off the chaos of online romance. I’ll continue to make myself available to actual people in front of me.
- I will not have a texting relationship. You all know what this is. It’s when vocal chords are never used and people hide their true feelings behind abbreviations and sarcastic hashtags (guilty) because typing it all out on a tiny hand-held device is just too much effort. If a dude will not pick up the phone and physically hit that little green phone button on his mobile every once in a while, then I’m out. Ladies — this is something I’ve learned and haven’t blogged about so I’ll give you a mini-lesson here: If a dude NEVER calls you and only texts you, he can’t be too interested in you because he’s not putting forth enough effort. In this day and age, a simple gesture like actually calling someone is considered effort (go figure). You can’t learn about someone via text– unless he sends you dick pics straight off the bat, in which case you have just learned his end game. If that’s what you want — get at it. But if you want a relationship, that dude is not interested in that.
- I’m letting go. I hate that I’m not in control of the outcome of my life… I can control all my actions and decisions, but that doesn’t mean the outcome will be what I want. And as fucked up as I think that is, it is the sad truth. Unless the outcome is awesome in which case it’s the happy truth. The shit of it is, you never know which one you’ll get. So I’m just gonna do all I can to be a good person, live my life, make smart choices, and let the cards lay as they’re dealt. It’s exhausting sitting there wishing for a blackjack (I can still choose WHICH card game I’m playing)…I’m ready to be surprised. So, life, do your best at me…I survived 2016 (unlike so many of my childhood celebrities) so I feel I’m equipped to navigate 2017 now.
- I’m changing this blog. I started this as a dating blog to give single peeps funny insights into my dating life…but, if I implement everything above, I have a feeling there will be little to discuss in that realm. I’m sure I’ll have some pretty interesting dating stories every now and then, but my gut instinct is that they’ll be few and far between….additionally, this is not a diary. I’ve put some raw emotions out there, but I’ve held back about 90% of what I actually feel because, contrary to impressions about me, I am a truly private person. What I write on my social media and blog is a snippit of what is actually going on in my life…and I feel this blog started to become an emotional outlet in the wrong way…so, I’m changing it up. Next year, the name, the ‘brand’ so to speak, will change to a more upbeat blog that will incorporate more of my travels. If any funny antitode or dating scenario happens, I’ll definitely include that, but topics will change up a bit. I feel there might be an opportunity here to make a mark in someone’s life…I’m not sure how, or what…that’s something for me to contemplate in 2017 (tomorrow)….but it’s time to change.
So, aside from #5, nothing up there is new. I’ve said it all before. I just needed a truly fucked up year to reflect back on to kick my ass back into gear. And, with all this time here in Honduras to think about what I want, it’s time I start to incorporate it. I’m the most pessimistic hopeless romantic out there — what that means is that I LONG for the mushy romantic stuff, but know that only happens to other people…It’s becoming clearer to me that my life may be meant for other things…And I’m going to spend an exorbant amount of energy in 2017 on living out the best life I possibly can; and should a relationship blind-side me — fantastic. But it IS going to blind-side me because I’m done thinking it will actually happen.
With that said, time for me to sign off of 2016. I will most definitely NOT miss a bit of this year. So, 2017 — brang it, bitch.