Without having to go into a long back story, let’s just say that my life these days has SIGNIFICANTLY slowed to a simmer rather than it’s former rolling boil status. I have so much more time on my hands that I have absolutely no fucking clue what to do with — For the past five years or so I’ve been globe trotting and living on deadlines and crisis management…now…not so much.
A change in careers and removing dating apps from my phone cut ALL that out. So what do I do? Anything I can possibly imagine to fill my time. I take on extra projects. Exercise more than I probably need to/should. Plan trips. Get another dog. Start a blog.
Funny I mentioned those damn dating apps — after my divorce I went full throttle on filling whatever spare time I had (which wasn’t much) with boys and trips with my girls….sometimes I found a boy on trips with my girls so even when I was chillin’ with my homies, I was trying to get ass as well…It was a pretty cool downhill avoidance ride.
Avoidance is the key word…I was sowing my oats and effortlessly juggling a crazy demanding job and inserting myself into my friends’ lives incessantly…not that they complained because I’m fun AF…but I didn’t want to be alone….I didn’t know that at the time, but I do now.
ALL that stopped mid Jan — I switched careers to a MUCH less demanding job, and I decided that I was tired of playing with men and was/am ready to actually look at them as potential life partners rather than my next fling. So that’s when I started to become a bit depressed. I wasn’t (and still am not) living on the stress of juggling a life and a globe-trotting job that I loved…Finding out that there is supposed to be a normal life behind the charade of presenting one’s self to the world as impenetrable was and still is a hard life lesson for me…Having time to myself FOR myself is a weird situation…and I think most Strong Women will find it difficult to actually slow down and face the mirror…it’s not that we don’t know who we are…because that’s pretty much set in stone…it’s more that who we are doesn’t mold easily into a down-market lifestyle. We like and thrive on the thrill of living on the edge…but what’s hard for us is that life can’t ALWAYS be on the edge; so when we find ourselves on solid, vast acreage of ground, we lose our direction. If you’re always on the edge, you at least know that you can’t lose balance or you’ll fall so you’re the one in control…if you’re so far away from that edge that in order to get to it you have to hop a plane, train and hike 200 miles, we get lost because at that point life goes on auto-pilot.
Hence, here I am…in this unnatural, uncomfortable, stable and boring life that I control to an extent but am learning that I really don’t have the reigns. I keep trying to find that edge, but I’m either still on that train or I’m still trying to hike the 200 or so miles towards it.
I guess what the universe is trying to do is tell me that I need a break from my former crazy world. Not that I’m out of it for good (cuz I’d jump right back into it if given the opportunity), but that this is a balance that I need to learn to settle into — I can’t always be in control. I can’t always be bullet-proof. I can’t always have a dude when I snap my fingers. I can’t always live on 3 hours of sleep. I can’t always ‘party and bullshit’ (in the immortal words of Notorious B.I.G.). Life does actually have to have some sort of normalcy to it.
So for all the Strong Women out there who are type A (like me) and live in the fast zone (like I used to) and find yourselves in a similar situation as myself…I’ll keep tabs on how this ‘chilling’ phase in my life goes — I’m still learning how to let go…I’ll figure it out and get back to you.