FINDING THE FUNNY IN ALL THE FUCKS I DON’T GIVE

tinder2I want a 2016 re-start.  I have to say, since January, aside from maybe 3 or 4 great moments, there has literally been fuck-all going on in my life that I’m either (a) excited about or (b) hopeful for.  I know, I know…look at all the good stuff I have, blah, blah, blah…I do.  And I have, for the most part, a great life…But essentially I’m just ranting…because it’s my blog and I can do that.

 Yesterday was one of the hardest most stressful days I’ve had in many years.  I’m not going to go into all the BS that went down because this isn’t a diary – let’s just say that in a few hours I’ll be off to a girlie spa weekend with my bestie and there will be no limits to the amount of alcohol, sun and good-times we will unleash.

So, in the spirit of trying to let some shit roll off my back, I’ll entertain the masses with a few online dating gems (yes, I’m back at it…and no, so far it hasn’t changed…I’m just waiting for the certificate from the mental institution to be mailed to me).

These are real-life pics/scenarios — I’ve done my very best to protect the image/privacy of the offender- uh, I mean dude…Because, at the end of the day, I do realize that these guys are trying to find their unicorn and it takes a lot of courage to “open up.” — However…this will ultimately make me feel better now that I’ve edited out their info/faces (some of them).

But first, in the spirit of true transparency, and to give you an idea of how rare it is dudes actually READ profiles, here is a blip of mine:

 

My Online Profile Summary:

Avid traveler. Over 30 countries and counting. Fitness is my side job; it’s my favorite job. I have 3 pups (2 really old ones and one new floppy one (I am a sucker for a rescue); Huge sports fan and am bilingual-sarcasm and English. Please be funny. I am NOT here for hookups so don’t even try.

You should message me if:

You are funny. You are smart. And dammit people like you. (Also if you’re fitness-conscious and like to travel. But definitely funny and smart too).

Oh, and let me set some realistic expectations: I’m not trying to be a bitch, I’m just keeping it real and trying not to waste anyone’s time — If I don’t respond, it’s you, not me.

You should NOT message me if you are or have any of the following:
1. a profile pic JUST of your six-pack abs (congrats on those) or even worse, just your torso in general (we’re not all built the same)
2. if you don’t have any type of profile summary that gives me an inkling of what kind of person you are
3. if you haven’t read my profile (which means you haven’t read this so that excuses me from the rudeness of not replying)
4. if you are any kind of a self-absorbed douchebag that thinks he’s God’s gift to women.
5. if you are over the age of 45 — just don’t waste your time
6. if you are under the age of 28 — just don’t waste your time…wait, send me a pic first
7. if you are under 5’9″ — I’m not being shallow, I just know what I like…gotta be up front about this stuff
8. If you can’t use the proper forms of there, their, they’re, your or you’re
9. Baby-mama drama. If you have children, know that I fully expect you to put them first and foremost in life but please have a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex.
10. if you have read all of the above, abide/live by them but are only planning to say “hi” or “how’s it going” or any version of mundane intros…Be funny and original and real…DO NOT BE CREEPY

As a side note – my rules to non contact only started out as three…the more the below-exampled men contacted me, the longer that list grew….

I’ve been taking screen shots over the last 8 months or so of some truly amazing (appalling???) online dating pics and approaches who have blatantly disregarded (or just plainly didn’t read) my ever increasing set of rules…So, without further ado, I present to  you some of the best (worst) in my “Douchebag Profile” Album.  Yes, most (if not all) of these dudes contacted me or “liked” me.

IMG_4717
Please. I want to hear more about your relationship with your pillow and sock.
IMG_4715
*there
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No, guvna’. I just peed so I’m good.
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I’ve always wanted to change my last name to Dahmer or Manson…this could very well be my chance.
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What the hell is going on here? Is this a role play for what you like to do on first dates? If so, I’m IN!
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“I likes my women classy…like me right hur in this restaurant bathroom.”
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Um, is this a two-fer or am I on the wrong site?
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What. The. Holy. Hell?
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Datability Equation:    Originality (0) + Hotness Factor (-10) + Creepiness Factor (+10) = Chance in hell (ZERO)
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Well, super, in-depth, existential questions right off the bat inspires me to delete you…
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I was born this way and got bigger….
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Ew. Words elude me here.
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I personally feel I need to create a completely different app that categorically matches these dudes with the types of women I feel they are trying to attract. I’m going to call said app, “TripleD” = aka Depth Deprived Dating (maybe Tinder jumped the queue on that one.)

 

You’re welcome. I hope you all feel better about yourselves….I know I do.

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2 thoughts on “FINDING THE FUNNY IN ALL THE FUCKS I DON’T GIVE

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