It’s all different after 40…hell…each year after that is drastically different than the year before. Sitting here in my big, empty (with exception of three dogs) house at the age of 44, reflecting back to my hopes/dreams/big ideas from my 20’s and 30’s – I struggle with acceptance of how different it is versus what I thought it would be. For a long time, I tried to stay focused on “the goal” – good job, travel, family of my own, life partner. Sounds perfect, huh? Yea – but striving for that perfection was/is fucking exhausting. And I’m now feeling the effects of all that effort while trying not to define the so-far-end-result as a failure. I have two of the four. Good job. And I travel. Little did I know that striving for the latter two would cost me more than my body and mind really could handle.

I don’t know about you, but striving for the perfect life has cost me. Dearly. It has cost me my mental health, some friends, a shit-ton of time, and even money that could have been used elsewhere.

So the big question of this pity post is essentially universal – When you have a picture in your head of how you WANT your life to be, then come to a certain point and realize that you essentially wasted a lot of time, effort and heartache trying to reach that dream, how do you come to acceptance that you now have to re-define the goal? Because that’s all you can do – that’s your only option. Therapists and gurus can throw existential (yet resonating) quotes at you that you “just choose to change.” – But is it REALLY that simple? I’m finding it’s not. When you have had the drive of a pit bull for the first half of your life, simply throwing Xanax or meditation at it only gives you a short reprieve from your mind’s incessant focus. The focus, that drive, is so ingrained that just “choosing” to change is a monumental feat.

But, I recognize that it’s an inevitable decision that takes willful and determined practice. Every. Fucking. Day.

So, welcome to my new journey – redefining the goal.