Yea. No one hijacked my blog…it’s really me…I feel a little guilty that I haven’t been able to update this space for a while…Since March life has most literally been non-stop. New job has me crankin’ out crazy hours and by the time I get home, I truly have nothing creative left to give to the world…But, tonight, two glasses of wine and an 11 hour day has me all amorous and shit so I’m going to give this a shot…if I disappoint…#sorrynotsorry…and truly I don’t GAF. You’ll probably at least read the first sentences past this line so I’ll get my hits 🙂
‘How do I move on?’ Three years after my marriage dissolved, I still get asked this question from novice divorcees and long-termers. I get it. If I dug deep I could probably remember asking someone for advice on post-marital life at some point…but moving on was never an issue for me. I think my issues were mainly in the ‘why are there so many douchebags out there‘ area…So, the best I can offer is what I’ve wisely surmised after witnessing several failed marriages/relationships, experiencing a few (relationships..only one marriage), and the aftermath worldliness I’ve absorbed in doing so. And I can only offer this advice in real talk…not psycho-babble. Here goes:
What does moving on look like? Sometimes it’s the darkest of nights – pitch black with no reference of direction (or so I’ve heard…)…it’s the deepest of canyons and hollowest of holes. And to even imagine taking a step in one direction or another is the scariest decision you could ever make. But, to do so, you have to make the decision to take a step — sometimes you fall…most likely mud-on-face, scabbing up knees and elbows kind of fall…so you take another step, then another, and start realizing that darkness is temporary…mud can be washed off…scabs can heal…and just getting the hell out becomes your main focus…you keep going…and eventually find some sort of light. Could be full on sun (if you’re lucky)…could be a lightning-bug. But…whatever it is…you eventually realize you’re seeing light. I think the Bible references ‘light is good’ or whatever so…there’s that. Thanks for following the metaphors.
Sometimes moving on is not a decision at all. When we’re in a relationship that no longer fulfills us, our hearts tend to realize our need to escape long before our bodies physically do. That comes with being a “good” and “decent” person and shit. We try to force our hearts and minds to stay in a situation that we, at the very core of our being, know isn’t meant for us…and we do this because we’re fucking awesome and want to live up to our promises/vows…and because we don’t REALLY want to start the mourning process of a failed relationship (self-defense)…but, our hearts are always smarter than our minds and they kick-start the healing process long before we recognize our defeats. In that case, once you make the decision to leave…moving on just becomes a physical process…
I could continue on providing you with beautifully scripted paragraphs describing different ‘moving on’ scenarios…but because I’m limiting myself to two glasses of wine tonight (cuz 5:15am yoga), I’ll just sum this shit right up: moving on looks different to everyone because everyone is just not the same. You could be the kind of person who really finds joy in committed relationship after committed relationship…hoping one sticks. You could be the kind of person who takes out their pain and hurt in physical relationships…and prolong commitment just so you can focus back on you…or you’re a selfish asshole…don’t be that person…you could hurt like hell after a break up and just find joy in alone time…or spending time with friends…or your kids…or your dogs…whatever. What I’m trying to get at here is this: be healthy. Don’t avoid or prolong pain by filling voids…go with the heart…leap. Do things you didn’t think you could do while you were married/involved. Take chances. Get broken. Mend again. Come back stronger. I believe hearts, after being broken/shattered/fractured/punctured (well…maybe not vampire punctured, but just follow the fucking metaphor) DO heal their cracks and grow back stronger…and, with the right mentality, more open. Just be conscious of your heart — know whether or not you’re ready and willing to be vulnerable…If you’re not ready — don’t suck someone else into your world who is. You do you first. The rest falls into place when you do. Heal up and hook up! Peace, world.