I alluded to some ‘heart-wrenching’ (maybe over exaggerated with that term but whatevs) dating situations in my last post and thought, hell…if I’m opening up a flesh wound, may as well dig all the way to the artery and bleed out.
There is a pretty profound lesson found in each of the scenarios so, maybe, if I can spare ONE person from a little heartache, then I’ve done my good deed for the day. I’m all about karma.
If this post fucks with your head even more, then maybe this lesson isn’t for you. Hit me up and I’m sure I have an answer for whatever ails ya.
The shit thing about being super independent is that the dating pool gets significantly smaller. I’m not sure at what point in history it just became the ‘norm’ for a dude to want a chick who was somewhat if not completely dependent on him as a provider for her self-worth (wait, I do…it was from THE BEGINNING OF TIME)…but because of that, I have to weed through a fuck-ton of assclowns to find someone who, on the surface, is seemingly cool with not being needed but wanted (HUGE difference here).
Then I date him.
Then he thinks maybe he needs someone who is a little less independent — maybe because his ego needs it, maybe because he didn’t know exactly how much independence he could handle from a chick so decided to try it on for size, or, maybe he genuinely wasn’t completely into me. Either way, here is where the lesson kicks in (and I’m 4 for 4 on this so I think I can be considered an expert here).
At this point, the guy gets all confused. Emotions run through him (that he rarely-if-ever shares or acknowledges) about whether or not this type of relationship will work for him. He questions the potential relationship but hangs on because a part of him really likes the challenge and the ability to flex his own independence without being nagged. But another part of him wants to keep his options open in case that “perfect fit” comes along. You, as an independent woman, can take care of yourself so he doesn’t need to communicate his feelings about all this. Meanwhile, he keeps you hanging on under false pretenses. But YOU know. You know he’s indecisive. So here is the lesson: INDECISION IS A DECISION.
If he’s not manning up and expressing his desire to pursue a relationship – or, even worse, if those are precisely the words coming out of his mouth and his actions don’t follow suit — then you, my dear, need to run for the hills because you are being strung along. He’s already decided in his head that you’re not the one for him…he might like you…he might like you more than he knows…but he isn’t sure how you’ll fit into his world so he’s just biding his time– enjoying the freedom of not having to actually WORK for your affection…because you were honest with him from the start (or you better have been otherwise you can throw this lesson out the fucking window and work on your other issues) and let him know that you were truly interested in him.
It hurts, I know — but the warning signs were always there. Sometimes we women ignore them just for the small opportunity to have SOMETHING affectionate in our lives. What we later find out is that the aftermath post attachment is so much worse and we should’ve just sent them packing at the first sign of indecision.
If, after an acceptable period of time dating, the dude is still waffling, he’s not feeling it and you should probably save yourself a little heartache by detaching and going solo….again.
But I get it. Being so independent is fucking lonely as hell. Finding that one dude in the sea of a billion who not only appreciates that you are your own person and won’t get wrapped up in the drama of ‘becoming a couple’ but who accepts you with all your imperfections and vulnerabilities as well is hard as fuck. I mean, it’s hard for a ‘normal’ chick let alone one who is cool as hell.
Sometimes we stupidly allow exceptions into our lives–if not for a little companionship then for straight up sex. Just learn how to compartmentalize those emotions and leave attachment off the table. It’s easier said than done, but trust me, after A LOT of practice, you’ll start to become the icy-bad-ass-emotionless bitch I know you were born to be. I believe in you. Fair warning, though…you might need A LOT of alcohol to numb yourself first…unless you’re one of those overly emotional drunks…in which case, switch to Xanax.
But enough about me…how’s your love life?